No good mail, no good wishes
No mail box of Cherry Berry’s chocolate kisses
No checks, no refunds brought to me by snail
All I get is an endless supply of useless junk mail
Why doesn’t the mail carrier just put it in my garbage can?
Why do they need me to do it? I’m just the middle man.
Better yet, how do I automatically send it back to where it’s already been
So somebody else can put it in their recycle bin.
I wonder what and I wonder who
Could ever unite the Red and the Blue.
I’ve lived in a sea of Red and I’ve lived in a sea of Blue.
I know people on both sides who
are good and some who are bad, too.
In many ways it doesn’t matter if we are Red or if we are Blue.
We all love our families and we all love our friends
We all help our neighbors and
we’ve all worked hard for the money we spend
None of us feel good about the feelings of hate
Cause in reality we are just eating from different sides of the same plate.
Let’s not be duped. Let’s not be conned
By the screens that we watch that profit by leading us on.
There’s lots money made by buying and selling hate
I hope we remember who we are before it’s too late.
I believe in Jesus
I believe in Buddha, too
I believe in Lord Krishna
I believe in Lao Tzu
I believe in the Bible
I believe in the Koran
I’d believe in the Upanishads
If I could ever understand
I believe in Confucius
I believe in Shinto
I even believe in the preachers who rant on the radio
I believe in Jehovah
But please accept my apology
Cause I can’t make myself believe in Scientology
I believe most religions sense the same reality
That all of us are so much more than any of us can see.
I believe in Jesus
I believe in Buddha too
I believe in Lord Krishna
I believe in Lao Tzu
They all seem to know and share a similar intuition.
You gotta look deep inside to resolve the human condition
R.I.* and I were very close friends when we were children. Many decades have passed but, a glimmer of that childhood connection remains. We occasionally see each other on holidays or at other family gatherings. We usually talk about basketball teams. Once or twice over the past forty years we have talked a little about his ongoing struggle with alcohol.
Not long along I heard that R.I. had a life-threatening emergency that involved an uncontrollable nose bleed. I called him on the phone to find out what happened. The circumstance was not funny but, his unique way of telling the story was certainly funny to me.
After a couple of basketball comments I said, "So. R.I., how's your nose?" He offered the following detailed response which I have attempted to capture verbatim.
WARNING: If you are offended by profane language, stop reading this now (and by all means avoid my cousin R.I.).
To my knowledge, R.I. has not had another nose bleed since the surgery. I may send him three or four yards of gauze just in case. *Lots of people in my family, besides R.I., use initials rather than complete names. We have had A.W, J.O., J.J., J.D., and O.D. (No, O.D. did not die from an Over Dose.)You won’t believe this shit but my goddam nose started bleedin' like a water faucet so my wife had to drive my ass to the emergency room. When I got to the hospital they stuffed my fuckin’ nose with a bunch of gauze shit. I mean they must a stuffed three yards of that shit up my muther fuckin' nose - both fuckin' nostrils. So I had to lay there with this shit stuffed up my nose for 24 hours before they came back to take it out. But when they took it out, they didn't take it out of my muther fuckin' nose. The bastards pulled it out my muther fuckin' mouth. They stuck some metal thing in my mouth and then they pulled this nasty three yards of shit through my muther fuckin' mouth. I thought I was gonna puke. So at that point, I thought at least the assholes had fixed my muther fuckin' nose bleed and I was gettin' ready to go home. Then what the fuck! My muther fuckin' nose starts bleedin' like a faucet, again. This time the doctors stuff it up with another three yards of that shitty gauze but, then they tell me that they are gonna need to fix my goddam nose surgically. So then I just wait in this boring ass hospital bed for three or four days while these dumb muther fuckers try to figure out what the fuck they're doin’ and how they can make the most money doin’ it. Finally, a doctor comes in and says, "Sir, we're gonna have to cut an incision across your face, around your eye brow, and down the side of your head. It will leave a significant scar." I said, "Fuck! I don't give a shit about a muther fuckin' scar but, I want to know what time are you gonna operate ‘cause I have been lyin’ here for days goin’ crazy. You people have just been makin' me wait around like my time don't make any fuckin' difference. Well, time does matter to me so I wanna know what time are you gonna operate?" So the fuckin’ doctor says, "Sir, we will schedule the surgery for tomorrow." I said, "What fuckin' time tomorrow?" The doctor says, "In the afternoon." I say, "What's 'afternoon' mean to you because to me it's between 12:00 PM and 5:00 PM." The asshole says, "Yes, that sounds about right." I said, "I want you to tell me what fuckin’ HOUR you’re gonna operate and if you don't come within one HOUR of that time I'm gonna walk my ass right out of here." The asshole doctor says, "I'm sorry but, if you leave, Sir, your insurance won't pay for any of this." At that point I just stared at that muther fucker and said, "I sure as hell hope you don't think I'm gonna pay for any of this shit." So finally the muther fucker agrees to show up on time. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and think about whether I was gonna have this fuckin’ surgery or not. I decided I didn't really have any muther fuckin' choice. So they operated. They cut this big ass incision on my face and then moved my muther fuckin' eyeball over to one side so they could stick some big ass prong inside my muther fuckin' head to seal off the vein that was bleedin'. But they could only seal off one end of a vein that was bleedin' and couldn't reach the other end.
So they had to cut a muther fuckin' hole in my groin and stick some wire all the way up into my muther fuckin' head to seal off the other end of the vein. I still can’t believe it but, the goddamn thing worked. I don't know why they had to cut a new hole in my groin right next to my asshole which they could've used. After the whole thing was over I kept wishin’ that the muther fuckin' doctor had to stick the wire up his own fuckin' groin to get it into my head.
The day before the Presidential election in November I wrote a conciliatory message to my friends and family who support Trump. However, following the riots on January 6, 2021 I no longer felt so magnanimous about Trump supporters so I deleted the message.
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Right now, it appears that most of us have survived the pandemic. All of the people close to me are vaccinated except grandson, Finn who is still too young to be eligible for the vaccine.
The speed with which this vaccination process has occurred is further evidence that time really is an ally.
However, about this time last year I made some grandiose predictions about what we might learn from the pandemic. I thought we might gain a greater awareness of how interconnected all of us are on planet Earth. I thought we might learn how to transcend cultural barriers that impede the kind of collaboration that is necessary to solve global threats to our existence. I thought individuals and governments around the world might be inspired to work together in mutual self-interest. I was wrong about almost all of that. Instead of transcending cultural barriers we have continued to reinforce some of the worst examples.
Yet, time remains an ally and the pandemic has inspired some brilliant glimmers of the upside of human nature. The most significant example is the collaboration of governments and Big Pharma to create, test, approve, and distribute vaccines that give us more time to self-correct before the next challenge to our evolution.
Time by The Chamber Brothers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsBwBct0_5U
In 1977, I accepted a job at Central Kentucky Re-ED, a residential school for children with serious behavioral disorders. The school was located on the campus of a state psychiatric hospital in Lexington, Kentucky. Working there was a great experience, in part, because I was introduced to the Re-ED model - an innovative approach for working with children and families. A few years later I accepted a job at Wright School in Durham which is another residential school for children that is based on the same Re-ED model.
The Re-ED model was created by Nick Hobbs in the late sixties. Nick was a psychologist and very wise person at Vanderbilt University. His model for working with children was based on 12 principles.
I am now old and retired but those 12 Re-ED principles are more relevant to me now than ever.
Twelve Re-ED Principles
The italicized comments are mine and should not be blamed on Nick Hobbs.
1. Life is to be lived now.
I think Nick Hobbs thought children should not be required to drag the baggage of past negative behavior with them into the present. What a profound idea!
I have found this principle extraordinarily important as a life-long reminder to (in the words of Ram Dass) …Be Here Now.
2. Trust is Essential
Nick Hobbs thought trust is essential to the relationship between teachers and students. I have since learned that it is essential to all authentic relationships at every stage of life.
3. Competence Makes a Difference
Re-ED schools focused on teaching new skills and behaviors instead of waiting for therapeutic insight that might never arrive. I think most of us now realize that competence breeds confidence and it is key to anyone’s success.
4. Time is an Ally
Hobbs realized that many problems will find a solution or they will just pass away over time. This principle has been extremely important to me over the course of my entire adult life. I particularly appreciate remembering that Time is an Ally in the midst of chaos that is 2020.
5. Self-Control Can be Taught
In the 1960’s this was a radical idea in the treatment of children with behavior disorders. In 2020, we must hope that it is still true and relevant for elected leaders, stressed-out police officers, rioters, and all others acting out in the public square.
6. Intelligence can be Taught
It is hard to believe that professional educators would have doubted this in the sixties. In Re-ED schools children learn “problem-solving skills” and those skills contribute to intelligence. Don’t you wish that these skills were taught to people today who spend time on the internet embracing their lack of problem-solving skills while ridiculing the intelligence of others?
7. Feelings Should be Nurtured.
This principle is well-understood in schools for children with behavior disorders. It is much less understood by most adult men in our culture.
8. The Group is Important
In Re-ED schools, kids live and work in small groups of six or eight. They learn from each other how the behavior of an individual can have impact on the group and vice versa. They learn how valuable and powerful it is to feel connected to a group of peers who are working toward common goals. Today there are some who would likely think this principle promotes socialism. Maybe it does. I hope so.
9. Ceremony and Ritual Give Order and Predictability
Kids respond well to ceremony and ritual. In 2020, I yearn for the some of the ceremony and ritual that we used to associate with long-standing, respected institutions. I miss the prospect of holiday celebrations, spectator sports, non-violent election days, inauguration days, etc.
10. The Body is the Armature of the Self
I think Nick Hobbs realized that mind and body are interconnected and function as one unit. Even now, we remain unlikely to improve one without the other.
11. Communities are Important
The Re-ED model was sometimes called an ecological model. It recognized that children live and interact within a context of a community. That community could alter the behavior of a child and the child could alter the behavior of the community. They were, just like we are now, interconnected.
12. A Child Should Know Joy Each Day.
This was another radical idea in the treatment of kids whose young lives had already included so much pain. But it was a beautiful aspiration of teacher-counselors to look for joyful opportunities for their students.
Today I am 71 and it remains a beautiful aspiration. It is why I have written this post.
Recently I was watching my family play (at social distance) in the swimming pool in our neighborhood. My wife was throwing a plastic ball to her grandchildren and I said, “Nice throw, Carol. You don’t throw like a girl.” Sara, my adult step-daughter, responded with an uncharacteristically harsh admonition. She said she resented the phrase “throw like a girl.” She said she did not want language like that spoken in the presence of her two young sons. She said she wanted her sons to grow up to be sensitive, good men who respected women.
I thought Sara’s reaction was a little extreme. However, it did cause me to reflect on the role of parents in the character development of young boys.
I wondered (especially in the context of the #metoo era) how do young boys learn to become men who respect women? This month I have also asked myself how do young white males learn to recognize and (unlike my generation) do something useful in response to systemic racism?
Asking questions is easy. Answering is difficult. All that I do know is this.
I am the father of two young, white men of good character. They both hold themselves to higher standards than I ever held myself. They both treat their wives and other women with respect. They both operate their personal and professional lives in accordance with their own solid ethical standards. They both are gifted at communicating with people from different backgrounds, races, cultures, etc.
They are not infallible, but they are both good men of strong character. I do not know how this happened. Probably just serendipity. Yet, in this era of intense awareness about the attitudes and behaviors of white men I think it is a good idea to ask, “How do young, white men of good character develop?” There are lots of them to observe and to learn from.
I’m proud to know two.
