You Gotta Believe

Many years ago I was a regular member of the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Durham. Now I am a very irregular member. Actually, I am not really an official member at all. But I do attend the Men’s Group there every other Thursday night and I identify with the values of many past and present Unitarians.

About twenty years ago the Fellowship had a practice of inviting individual members to deliver short statements during the Sunday morning services. The purpose of this practice was to give individuals an opportunity to tell the congregation what they truly believed. I always thought this was a great idea. Since Unitarians are not restricted by dogma every individual can believe whatever he or she chooses. So how could any of us know what our fellow travelers really believe about life, death, God, or no god, etc. if we didn’t ask and didn’t tell? 

In the early 90’s I was recruited to deliver my “credo” as they called it. I actually appreciated being asked because I thought the exercise might be interesting. Over the years I had sat through quite a few credo presentations of other people. In a way they were all interesting. Yet, I thought they usually represented missed opportunities. Most people just read biographical statements about growing up as a Catholic (or whatever), giving up their original religion and discovering a more comfortable experience as a Unitarian. After they spoke I still did not know what they really believed about anything important.

So when it was my turn I prepared a list of sentences that all started with the words “I believe.” I think I wrote about sixteen statements of belief back then. Sadly, I did not keep a copy. I do remember a few of the statements. The list below includes the statements I remember and a few updates for 2015.

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I believe that stating what I believe in public is harder than I expected.

I believe in the power of paradox. That means I believe that two seemingly opposite experiences of reality can co-exist at the same time. Sometimes these opposing experiences can even support each other. The Tao is a great representation of this idea. I believe my marriage is another.

I believe that everything vibrates. This is really more than a belief. I believe it is a fact. I wonder if the expansion and contraction of the Universe is a really big example.

I believe in the force that keeps my heart beating (vibrating) even though I am not paying attention to it. I believe that the same force keeps my brain waves oscillating and my thoughts flowing.  

I believe that I usually experience reality on only one narrow, egocentric channel. I have occasionally stumbled onto another channel that seems to have much more band width.

I believe we all have more in common than we realize - a lot more.

I believe there is something important - maybe even spiritual - about the ability to witness ourselves acting in the world.

I believe I frequently forget what I believe and I appreciate being reminded.

I believe that it is valuable to test out what I really believe within the context of a group. This also allows me to learn what others really believe. I suspect that is why so many of us keep coming back here every week.

I believe that when I die my mind, body, and everything else that I identify as Michael will be dead. I also believe that nothing in the universe can ever be completely destroyed, thus we are all (much like the IRS) just frequently changing forms.

I believe I frequently forget what I believe and I appreciate being reminded.

I believe we are fortunate if we have the curiosity and courage to ask and share with others the question, “What do I really believe?”

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Behar Now...but be able to look back

Please do not read this essay. It is too long, too boring, and too detailed to be of interest. However, it describes a traumatic episode in my life that I want written, even if not read.
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August 2001
My attorney was saying something like, “I am pretty sure we can get use immunity for both of you. Maybe even blanket immunity but that’ll be a lot harder to get. For blanket immunity we will need approval from the Department of Justice in D.C. It may take a couple of days.” 

I did not understand the distinction between the two types of immunity deals that could be offered to witnesses who were willing to testify before a Grand Jury. My new $500-per-hour criminal lawyer was happy to explain. Use immunity meant that anything I said under oath that pertained to a specific area of inquiry could never be used against me in court. Blanket immunity meant that anything I said under oath regardless of the topic could not be used against me – unless I lied. In that case all bets would be off. 

Just being in the office of a criminal defense lawyer and discussing immunity agreements to avoid federal prosecution was…surreal.  My business partner and I were looking at each other trying to process this avalanche of new information while still vibrating in and out of denial. It seemed impossible to us that we were capable of doing anything significant enough to need immunity from prosecution for a felony. Yet, here we were paying a criminal defense attorney $500 per hour to scare the hell out of us.

My anxiety level was about to top out. It got higher with the answer to my next two questions. I asked, “What if we don’t get an immunity agreement? What is the worst case scenario?” The attorney opened a large book that listed multiple federal crimes and the mandatory sentencing guidelines. He flipped it around so that we could read it ourselves. He told us that we would probably be charged with obstruction of justice and/or conspiracy to defraud the government. Either way the mandatory sentence would be three to five years. With no prior convictions we would likely get the minimum mandatory sentence. He asked, "Do either of you have any prior convictions?”

I stared straight through the eye contact of the attorney into some distant space far away. My audio track was stuck at “three to five years.” I think the attorney must have sensed that he was getting out ahead of my anxiety level so he backed up. He tried to reassure me that he thought we were going to be okay. He hit the reset button by summarizing his understanding of our situation. My partner and I helped with detail and clarification as he went along. The summary went something like this.

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Michael and his partner own and operate a small business called Triangle Training & Communication Associates (TT&CA). The business works under contract with state and local government agencies to produce training manuals, videos, conferences, workshops, and other training-related services. Most of the work of TT&CA is in the area of mental health services. The state Division of Mental Health in Raleigh occasionally allocates money to a local mental health agency to carry out specific projects. Sometimes the state Division of Mental Health asks the local mental health agency to contract with TT&CA to accomplish the state’s intention. This is a common business practice that is both legal and transparent.

One of the state officials with whom TT&CA has frequently worked is Dr. Lenore Behar. She was, until recently, the Director of Child Mental Health Services for the North Carolina Division of Mental Health Services. Dr. Behar is a psychologist with a national reputation and is recognized as a prominent expert on child mental health. Michael and his partner describe Dr. Behar as creative, intelligent, and capable of doing great things. They also consider her to be a narcissistic bully who relies on intimidation as a means of influencing the behavior of people with whom she works. Let’s just stipulate that she is a complex and difficult person.

In 1994 Dr. Behar was invited by the Governor to join a delegation of people from North Carolina to go on a state-sponsored trip to Israel. The trip was part of an economic and cultural exchange initiative. Michael’s business partner and her husband, a prominent member of the psychology faculty at UNC, were included in the group of dignitaries on the trip. At the conclusion of the trip the Governor announced the creation of a new organization, the North Carolina/Israel Partnership. An office of the Partnership was set up in Tel Aviv and a Director in Israel was hired. Dr. Behar was assigned a leadership role for the Partnership in North Carolina. Michael’s partner became an enthusiastic volunteer and supporter of the Partnership.

Early in 1995 Dr. Behar asked Michael’s partner to help her get some money to the North Carolina/Israel Partnership office in Tel Aviv. Dr. Behar explained that she had access to funds that were critical for the success of the program in Israel but she had no way of getting the money there. She suggested the idea of a “pass through” contract to TT&CA through a local mental health agency. Dr. Behar said she would arrange for an allocation to the local agency. TT&CA could bill the local mental health agency for the project work and then simply write a check to the Partnership in Tel Aviv. Michael’s partner asked Dr. Behar if this arrangement was approved by other officials in state government. Dr. Behar told Michael’s partner that this specific arrangement had been discussed and approved in a meeting with representatives from the Governor’s office. Michael’s partner agreed to the arrangement.

When Michael’s partner explained the arrangement to Michael he thought it was “crazy.” He wondered what would be the rationale for a local mental health agency to contract for work done in Israel. He also wondered why the Governor’s office would approve of this deal. But since this was his partner’s project he did not pay much attention to the details. He thought it would be another example of his partner’s “volunteer work” for the Partnership since there was no money to be earned except for a very small administrative fee. 

A few weeks later Michael noticed an invoice to a local mental health agency in the outgoing mail box. He read the invoice and was confused. The $10,000 invoice was for the completion of “Case Management Training Modules.” TT&CA had not done this work. He carried the invoice into his partner’s office and asked for an explanation. His partner said, “That is for the Israel project. That’s how Lenore told me to invoice it.” Michael said, “We can’t do that. Even if we disregard whether it’s right or wrong. It’s definitely illegal. We cannot bill for work we didn’t do.” Michael asked to see the contract that supported the invoice. He read the contract terms that Dr. Behar had sent the local mental health agency. The contract signed by Michael’s partner was for the creation of case management training modules. It made no mention of Israel.

Michael insisted that the invoice could not be sent. His partner then told Michael that she had already sent a prior invoice for a similar amount to the local mental health agency and that TT&CA had received payment. She also had written a check to the NC/Israel Partnership for the same amount minus a 3% administrative fee. After lengthy discussion Michael and his partner agreed that this matter was unlikely to ever be scrutinized. They also agreed that it was still a problem. Michael’s partner acknowledged that she had made a naïve mistake. 

After thinking about this overnight and talking with his wife Michael told his partner that he thought she should tell Dr. Behar that the original contract would have to be modified. Dr. Behar would have to notify the local mental health agency that there had been an error in the original scope of work. A new contract would have to be written that called for work actually done by TT&CA. 

Michael suggested to his partner that she rewrite an existing training manual that TT&CA had developed for a private client. The revised manual could then constitute a legitimate contract deliverable to the local mental health agency. Michael suggested that TT&CA could then take the proceeds from that legitimate work and send the money to the NC/Israel Partnership. Since Michael’s partner had created the problem in the first place she agreed that it was fair that she would do the “pro bono” work of rewriting the training manual for this new purpose. Michael assumed this would constitute a legal transaction and, thus would enable him to sleep at night. Neither assumption turned out to be accurate.

Michael’s partner informed Dr. Behar of the problem and the changes that would have to be made. Dr. Behar called Michael and expressed her displeasure. She told him that he was creating an unnecessary problem. She threatened that this could jeopardize future business opportunities with her. However, she reluctantly agreed to the revised deal. Soon thereafter she sent an awkward email to the local mental health agency claiming that someone on her staff had made an error in the original scope of work. Within a short time the contract was revised. 

Ultimately, TT&CA billed $42,000 to the local mental health agency under the contract. In return the local mental health agency received a training curriculum on behavior management skills for front line workers. TT&CA sent the funds (minus 3%) to the NC/Israel Partnership in Tel Aviv.

Fortunately, Michael’s business partner retained extremely detailed documentation of every aspect of these transactions.

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At this point the attorney stopped and asked us if we ever questioned Dr. Behar about the source of the money for the contract. At the time of the NC/Israel project we did not inquire or even think about the source of funds. However, we had since come to realize the significance of the source. The money was taken from funds (about $23 million) that Dr. Behar had improperly billed the federal government for “preventing unnecessary foster care placements in North Carolina.”

Our attorney was aware of an active federal investigation of Dr. Behar. Local newspapers were reporting on ongoing developments in the investigation. In fact, our attorney was representing another client who was peripherally involved in the scandal. The original investigation focused on an alleged abuse of federal funds in a mental health project that Dr. Behar supervised at Fort Bragg several years earlier. Because the funds came through Fort Bragg the investigation was initiated by the Department of Defense. Since Dr. Behar had administered numerous other federally funded projects, the investigation had broadened to include other questionable transactions around the use of federal money. This investigation had been going on for several years. 

My partner and I had been interviewed twice by federal investigators regarding our work with Dr. Behar. These were friendly, voluntary interviews that dealt with multiple TT&CA projects. We answered all of the investigator’s questions honestly and we were happy to show him written documentation to support our answers. The interviews covered years of TT&CA contracts. There was not a hint of impropriety found in any of them. However, the investigators never inquired about the NC/Israel Partnership project and we never offered any information about it - until now.

In the spring of 2001 Dr. Behar was indicted on over 40 separate violations of federal law. Her attorney made several high profile public statements about his client's innocence and her intention to fight the charges. My partner and I thought this storm was going to pass by us without mention of our work with Dr. Behar. 

But in July we got a subpoena to report to the federal building in Raleigh to answer questions under oath regarding the Behar investigation. This prompted our new relationship with the $500 per hour attorney.

As our session with the attorney was wrapping up he offered a prediction about how this saga would unfold. He said,

"I will present a summary of your story to the US Attorney’s office and obtain a blanket immunity agreement. Once the agreement is signed you will be protected from any criminal liability in this matter.

You will meet with a team of investigators and the prosecuting attorney for questioning. They will recognize the high value of your testimony and you will be subpoenaed to appear before the Grand Jury in Wilmington.

You will testify truthfully before the Grand Jury. Your testimony will result in additional charges being brought against Dr. Behar.

Your legal fees will be, at least, $10,000.”

Our attorney’s predictions were all accurate.

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However, he did not predict how quickly Dr. Behar would accept a plea bargain following our Grand Jury testimony. She pleaded guilty to charges of obstruction of justice. She was sentenced to six months of house arrest, a fine of $250,000, restitution in the amount of $274,000, and two years of probation. She also was prohibited from being the principle investigator for future federal grants.

Our attorney also did not predict that my partner and I would permanently close TT&CA within a month of our testimony as a self-imposed consequence of this stressful ordeal. But that is what happened.

G.I. Issue

 

A few weeks ago I had a funny dream that I do not want to forget. I wish my father was alive because he would enjoy this one.

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A comedian is doing a standup act for a group of old World War II veterans. The comedian says, “So, I go to the clinic and the doctor tells me that I gotta get a G.I. procedure. I say, ‘No problem, Doc. I was in the army so I know all about G.I. procedure.' So I go to the G.I. Department. This nurse tells me that they’re gonna stick a long tube up my butt and I say, ‘The Hell you are! That ain’t no G.I. procedure. I mean it might be in France or someplace but it ain’t a G.I. procedure in America.”

All of the old guys in the audience get it and laugh.

I wake up laughing along with all of the other old guys.

What Did You Do in The War?

If Sullivan or Finnigan ever study American history and ask questions about the Viet Nam war I hope they read the following story.
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The United States lost the Viet Nam war. We deserved to lose. We were, for the most part, among the bad guys in that war. I never figured out who the good guys were.

The war in Viet Nam was a civil war between people in the south end of the region and people in the north end. People in the south thought their government and economy should be organized in one way (democracy and capitalism) and the people in the north thought it should be organized in a different way (communism). People on both sides thought the other side was morally corrupt, manipulated by outsiders, and bad for their country's future. From what I could tell they were all pretty screwed up on both sides. 

But it was their country, their war, and their problem to figure out. Unfortunately, because a neighboring country, China, gave weapons and support to people in the north end, the USA (on the other side of the damned planet) decided that we had to give weapons, money, and eventually thousands of our own soldiers to support people in the south end. Most historians recognize this as the dumbest foreign policy decision in American history. Over 58,000 Americans died in the Vietnam Nam war. I don't think  anybody knows how many Vietnamese people died.

In those days our government forced its citizens to join the army to fight our wars. The system was called involuntary conscription, a.k.a., the draft. I know it sounds crazy, but all 18-year-old guys had to register with a local draft board and then wait for a letter to arrive in the mail ordering us to report to the army. At that point we became, more or less, property of the government. For many young Americans that meant about six months of mandatory training and then a long trip to Viet Nam to fight strangers.

Many of our soldiers in Viet Nam did not have a clear sense of purpose other than to be one of the survivors. The other side did have a clear purpose. They knew why they were fighting. They wanted to kick our asses out of their country. That is why they won.

Many young Americans in those days, including me, thought the war was bogus. We refused to participate in it. Some people moved to Canada with the understanding that if they ever returned home they would be sent to prison. Some people just chose to go directly to prison. Others joined the National Guard which meant they were committed to the military part-time for six years but, at least, they would not go to Viet Nam.

I was absolutely certain that I was not going to participate in the Viet Nam war but I was unsure about how I was going to avoid it. I had a student deferment in college. So for those four years all I needed was an acceptable GPA to postpone the problem. 

As college graduation approached I considered a few other creative alternatives. I visited a liberal theological seminary in Chicago because seminary students got an extended deferment. Seminary was an interesting idea but it would have required me to adopt religious beliefs that were out of the question. I also applied for status as a conscientious objector even though I was told that my local draft board had not granted C.O. status to anybody during the Viet Nam war era. In case you don’t already know, conscientious objectors were people who were against all wars. They were pacifists who refused to fight under any circumstance. In retrospect, I did not deserve C.O. status but I sure respected their point of view.

During the first week of May, 1971 I got a notice from my draft board ordering me to report in thirty days for a physical examination. The physical exam was a prerequisite for the draft. As I read that notice I made a decision. I could not rely on others to solve this problem. I was going to have to solve this myself. I decided that I would lose enough weight within the next thirty days to flunk the physical examination. 

There was a draft counseling service in the city that gave free advice on ways to avoid military service. I met with them the same day that I got the notice for the physical. They explained that losing weight was a risky strategy because sometimes the examiners would pass skinny people regardless of their weight. You had to be significantly under their minimum weight requirements to be safe. They told me that for my height I would need to weigh less than 107 pounds. At that moment I weighed 130.

Over the next thirty day period I just ate a lot less and exercised a lot more. During the first week I limited myself to one small meal each day. I ate mostly salad. It was difficult for the the first week. After that my appetite disappeared. Each week I focused on eating less and less. I monitored my weight loss very closely. I also ran each day around a track at Bellarmine College wearing heavy clothes that I thought would make me sweat more. During the last week a doctor at the draft counseling service gave me a prescription for diuretics. The medicine caused me to pee excess fluid from my body and helped me lose the final few pounds to get under the limit. When I reported for the physical I had trouble standing up but I weighed 106 pounds. Bingo.  

The good news was I had failed the physical. The bad news was that they told me that I would be called in for another one in six months. So six months later I had to repeat the entire damned process. The second time I reported for the physical weighing 104 pounds. They told me that I would be called back again in a year. I am not sure I could have done it again. Fortunately, they did not call me back. By then the USA was giving up on the war in Viet Nam. I was glad that I had nothing to do with it.

This experience occurred about 44 years ago. I am still thinking about it because it was so important to me. It was the first time in my life when I took charge of my future and refused to go along with a bad idea. Opportunities to do this sort of thing are rare but I hope you will look for them while you are young. The value to you might echo for a lifetime.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I saw the Facebook post of a friend who was inspired by the movie, American Sniper. My friend suggested that, “we should appreciate all who serve in the military as heroes.” I disagree.

I think there are real heroes who serve in the military and they deserve our respect and appreciation. They are people who made courageous sacrifices or risked their lives in order to save others. Some of these heroes are officially recognized and acknowledged. I suspect there are many others who are not.

However, I think that most of the people who serve in the military are not heroes. They are regular men and women who go to work and do their jobs. Their contributions to society are no more (or no less) valuable than the work of policemen and police women, healthcare workers who work in emergency departments, Peace Corps volunteers, or countless others in the USA.

I also think there are people in the armed forces like people in all of other walks of life. Some are lazy. Some are cowards. Some are brutal and some are criminals. All of them are not heroes and to suggest that they are diminishes the status of those members of the armed forces who actually are heroes.

Two Quotes Captured My Attention - this week

Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.
Alan Watts

Alan Watts is reminding me that all things are as they are. You, me, everybody, everything… just is what it is. I have spent a large chuck of my life judging reality as if I expect It to be something else. In reality there is only one big picture and we are It.

Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill or Abraham Lincoln (attribution is uncertain)

I really like this quote because by this definition my father was an outstanding success.