Today Carol and I are celebrating our 31st anniversary. During those years, we have learned a lot about each other. We have learned to accommodate to our vastly different approaches for solving problems and making decisions. Carol has learned to adjust to my slightly causal approach to clothing management. I have learned (with frequent exceptions) to accept her need for order and predictability. The most important thing we have learned is how to function as a team. Included in that teamwork is our willingness and ability to relate to our in-laws. That capacity has developed slowly but marriage is, as they say, a marathon, not a sprint.
My first attempt at building in-law relationships was a complete failure. I was unable and unwilling to accept any role within my first wife’s family. I thought they were uniquely screwed up and I wanted no part of them. I reluctantly participated in family gatherings but I tried to be invisible within the group. When my marriage ended, I was relieved by the fact I would never see my in-laws again. I realize now that I was too young and immature to understand the complicated dynamics that were in play during that stage of my married life.
I could have repeated the same pattern when Carol and I got married. But by then I had learned a few things. For example, I had learned that all families are uniquely screwed up. I also began to understand that all families have hidden opportunities to build surprising relationships. The unlikely relationship I had with Carol’s dad and the beautiful relationship Carol has with my mother are examples of unexpected opportunities realized.
These two in-law relationships might not be the reason our marriage has lasted for 31 years. But I feel like they sure helped. In retrospect, all it took was patience and an openness to the unexpected.
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