In Gratitude to Nicholas Hobbs

In 1977, I accepted a job at Central Kentucky Re-ED, a residential school for children with serious behavioral disorders. The school was located on the campus of a state psychiatric hospital in Lexington, Kentucky. Working there was a great experience, in part, because I was introduced to the Re-ED model - an innovative approach for working with children and families. A few years later I accepted a job at Wright School in Durham which is another residential school for children that is based on the same Re-ED model.

 

The Re-ED model was created by Nick Hobbs in the late sixties. Nick was a psychologist and very wise person at Vanderbilt University. His model for working with children was based on 12 principles. 

 

I am now old and retired but those 12 Re-ED principles are more relevant to me now than ever. 

 

Twelve Re-ED Principles

The italicized comments are mine and should not be blamed on Nick Hobbs.

 

1.     Life is to be lived now. 

I think Nick Hobbs thought children should not be required to drag the baggage of past negative behavior with them into the present. What a profound idea! 
I have found this principle extraordinarily important as a life-long reminder to (in the words of Ram Dass) …Be Here Now.

2.     Trust is Essential

Nick Hobbs thought trust is essential to the relationship between teachers and students. I have since learned that it is essential to all authentic relationships at every stage of life.

 

3.     Competence Makes a Difference

Re-ED schools focused on teaching new skills and behaviors instead of waiting for therapeutic insight that might never arrive. I think most of us now realize that competence breeds confidence and it is key to anyone’s success. 

 

4.     Time is an Ally

Hobbs realized that many problems will find a solution or they will just pass away over time. This principle has been extremely important to me over the course of my entire adult life. I particularly appreciate remembering that Time is an Ally in the midst of chaos that is 2020.

 

5.     Self-Control Can be Taught

In the 1960’s this was a radical idea in the treatment of children with behavior disorders. In 2020, we must hope that it is still true and relevant for elected leaders, stressed-out police officers, rioters, and all others acting out in the public square.

 

6.     Intelligence can be Taught

It is hard to believe that professional educators would have doubted this in the sixties. In Re-ED schools children learn “problem-solving skills” and those skills contribute to intelligence. Don’t you wish that these skills were taught to people today who spend time on the internet embracing their lack of problem-solving skills while ridiculing the intelligence of others?

 

7.     Feelings Should be Nurtured.

This principle is well-understood in schools for children with behavior disorders. It is much less understood by most adult men in our culture.

 

8.     The Group is Important

In Re-ED schools, kids live and work in small groups of six or eight. They learn from each other how the behavior of an individual can have impact on the group and vice versa. They learn how valuable and powerful it is to feel connected to a group of peers who are working toward common goals. Today there are some who would likely think this principle promotes socialism. Maybe it does. I hope so.

 

9.     Ceremony and Ritual Give Order and Predictability

Kids respond well to ceremony and ritual. In 2020, I yearn for the some of the ceremony and ritual that we used to associate with long-standing, respected institutions. I miss the prospect of holiday celebrations, spectator sports, non-violent election days, inauguration days, etc.

 

10.  The Body is the Armature of the Self

I think Nick Hobbs realized that mind and body are interconnected and function as one unit. Even now, we remain unlikely to improve one without the other.

 

11.  Communities are Important

The Re-ED model was sometimes called an ecological model. It recognized that children live and interact within a context of a community. That community could alter the behavior of a child and the child could alter the behavior of the community. They were, just like we are now, interconnected.

 

12.  A Child Should Know Joy Each Day.

This was another radical idea in the treatment of kids whose young lives had already included so much pain. But it was a beautiful aspiration of teacher-counselors to look for joyful opportunities for their students. 

 

Today I am 71 and it remains a beautiful aspiration. It is why I have written this post.

Girls CAN Throw

Recently I was watching my family play (at social distance) in the swimming pool in our neighborhood. My wife was throwing a plastic ball to her grandchildren and I said, “Nice throw, Carol. You don’t throw like a girl.” Sara, my adult step-daughter, responded with an uncharacteristically harsh admonition. She said she resented the phrase “throw like a girl.” She said she did not want language like that spoken in the presence of her two young sons. She said she wanted her sons to grow up to be sensitive, good men who respected women. 

 

I thought Sara’s reaction was a little extreme. However, it did cause me to reflect on the role of parents in the character development of young boys. 

 

I wondered (especially in the context of the #metoo era) how do young boys learn to become men who respect women? This month I have also asked myself how do young white males learn to recognize and (unlike my generation) do something useful in response to systemic racism?

 

Asking questions is easy. Answering is difficult. All that I do know is this.

 

I am the father of two young, white men of good character. They both hold themselves to higher standards than I ever held myself. They both treat their wives and other women with respect. They both operate their personal and professional lives in accordance with their own solid ethical standards. They both are gifted at communicating with people from different backgrounds, races, cultures, etc. 

 

They are not infallible, but they are both good men of strong character. I do not know how this happened. Probably just serendipity. Yet, in this era of intense awareness about the attitudes and behaviors of white men I think it is a good idea to ask, “How do young, white men of good character develop?” There are lots of them to observe and to learn from. 

I’m proud to know two.

One Very Long Sentence

Living in a pandemic reveals truths that are endemic 

to the life, times, and polemics 

of Planet Earth in this age

of exaggerated outrage

when we prefer to argue and fight

and insist that only our side sees the Light

that can reveal the solution to our global plight

without seeing that the only hope… however slight

is to work together toward a collective insight

that just might

hold us together 

long enough to tether 

a lifeline to the solution 

to the pandemic’s challenge to our evolution.

What We Might Be Saying in a Year or So

2020 was a doozy of a year! So many of us got sick with the virus. So many of us died earlier than we would have otherwise. We lost jobs, money, and, most significantly, we temporarily lost a sense of confidence about the future.

Yet, here we are in late 2021. We got through it. So what did we learn.

We learned that we are all interconnected, whether we like it or not. We now recognize that all of us on planet Earth are connected in a giant physical (and maybe metaphysical) network. For many centuries prior to 2020 most of us were able to ignore this fact. But in a post 2020 world we can no longer ignore this simple reality... we are one... big interconnected organism.

We learned that we need to create a global healthcare system that has the capacity to respond to the next novel virus and to the one after that. We learned that we need to transcend cultural barriers that inhibit collaboration. We learned that our giant physical (and maybe metaphysical) network can be helpful in solving other global problems we face like climate change.

We learned that our ignorant government leaders had to either grow up or get out of the way. We discovered that we didn't need to accept stupid political gridlock. We learned that we still have the intelligent capacity to work with each other in order to solve problems.

In some ways, the damn virus may have done us a favor.

When Your Mother Dies at a Very Old Age...

You might think there is no need for sorrow, no need for grief.
You might think her death is actually overdue and a welcome relief.

People might say to you, "The deceased has finally been released
from the painful cage of very old age.

So just move on. Don't feel sad.
Just appreciate what a good life she had."

You might even tell yourself. Don't feel lost. Don't feel lonely.
Don't dwell on the loss of your one and only...
Mothership.

All of that might be good advice for how you should feel.
But don't expect that advice to matter a great deal.

Because the Mothership is gone and can never be replaced.
So now you are left to learn how to fill in the empty space.

The Legend of the Sea Beaver

About five years ago I was walking on the beach at Bald Head Island with then six-year-old Sully Davis. Sully saw something that caught his attention and he ran ahead to check it out. It was a mangled mess of seaweed, driftwood, trash, and some unidentifiable organic matter that had washed up onto the shore. 

Sully said, “Hey, what’s that?”

Always interested in the depths of gullibility of the six-year-old mind, I said, “That, my friend, is a Sea Beaver.”

Sully said, “Sea Beaver! What’s that?” 

I said, “Sea Beavers are very rare creatures that are only found deep near the ocean floor. This one must have gotten into shallow water and lost a fight with a shark or something. You are really lucky to find a Sea Beaver, even a dead one, because Sea Beavers avoid people and are seldom seen by anybody.”

Sully picked up the dead Sea Beaver with a stick and took the carcass back to an area of the beach near our rental house. 

The following day we were walking on the beach again with several adult family members including my son, Patrick, when Sully saw another washed up pile of debris. He shouted, “Hey, another Sea Beaver!” Patrick, who had many years of experience with my gullibility tests asked Sully what he was talking about. I heard Patrick ask, “Who told you that was a Sea Beaver?” Even as he was asking I could see Patrick’s eyes turning toward me. Patrick leaned over Sully and said, “Don’t you know that you can’t believe anything he tells you?”

Sully looked a little disappointed that the rare Sea Beaver was not real. But his disappointment was short lived because his beautiful six-year-old mind took over. Sully wanted to believe in the rare Sea Beaver. So, he did. In fact, Sully and I went on to invent a substantial mythology around the Noble Sea Beaver. We decided that Sea Beavers were strong, courageous, freedom-loving creatures that did just what they wanted to do…every day. They enjoyed their lives and lived in the present. They didn’t worry about useless stuff that was out of their control. They did not care what other sea creatures thought about them. They just focused on their unique Sea Beaver skills and abilities and did things they were good at. After centuries of evolution the Sea Beavers were now the most confident mammals on the ocean floor. They were also good role models for the rest of us.

Sully decided we should give his Sea Beaver a decent burial. The following day we took the Sea Beaver carcass to a secluded spot on the beach and we buried it. We placed a driftwood marker above the gravesite and we said a few respectful comments about the Noble Sea Beaver.    

This week eleven-year-old Sully, his little brother, Finn, and I were back at Bald Head Island. Sully taught Finn about the legend of the Sea Beaver and he invited Finn to join us at a memorial service at the burial site of the original Sea Beaver. It was a touching service.