Time is an Ally

Last month my father-in-law, Robert G. Parr, died at the age of ninety-five. His death was not a surprise but it was still an emotional moment for his family and for many of his scientific colleagues.

Bob Parr and I were close friends. This was (and still is) a peculiar fact. The two of us were at opposite ends of just about any scale that you can imagine. He was a brilliant, world-class theoretical chemist. I passed high school chemistry with a C-. Bob was careful and deliberate. He built his life and his career on rational, long range plans and consistent follow through. I have spent most of my life in a “Be Here Now” anti-planning model that has had numerous downside consequences and only a few invisible upsides. Bob was quiet, thoughtful, and serious. I am seldom any of those. The only thing Bob and I had in common was that we both loved the same woman, his daughter, Carol.

A few days after Bob’s death two of his younger colleagues asked me if I could explain to them how I became friends with Bob. These two young men deeply admired and respected Bob but I don’t think they experienced Bob as a close friend. I could not answer their question in any meaningful way but it did cause me to think about it.

Bob and I became friends with the help of an ally – time. We were in each other’s family life for a very long time. For much of that time we just tolerated each other. We co-existed through holidays, family vacations and many UNC basketball games. We did not judge each other. We just hung around each other long enough to allow opportunities to emerge. The opportunities eventually appeared as problems or periods of family crisis. During these periods of crisis Bob and I got to experience what it was like to help each other out. We tested the strength of our relationship.

We discovered what was behind the masks of our roles as father-in-law and son-in-law. We found that behind the masks we did have something significant in common that did not require words. We discovered that we could rely on each other as human beings - as friends.

During the final years of Bob’s life I felt his friendship through his subtle smile and occasional winks. My friendship with Bob Parr was well worth the wait.