Might As Well Be Here Now

  A few weeks ago I had a funny dream that I do not want to forget. I wish my father was alive because he would enjoy this one. __________________________________________________________________________ A comedian is doing a standup act for a group of old World War II veterans. The comedian says, “So, I go to the clinic and the doctor tells me that I gotta get a G.I. procedure. I say, ‘No problem, Doc. I was in the army so I know all about G.I. procedure.' So I go to the G.I. Department. This nurse tells me that they’re gonna stick a long tube up my butt and I say, ‘The Hell you are! That ain’t no G.I. procedure. I mean it might be in France or someplace but it ain’t a G.I. procedure in America.” All of the old guys in the audience get it and laugh. I wake up laughing along with all of the other old guys.

If Sullivan or Finnigan ever study American history and ask questions about the Viet Nam war I hope they read the following story. ___________________________________________ The United States lost the Viet Nam war. We deserved to lose. We were, for the most part, among the bad guys in that war. I never figured out who the good guys were. The war in Viet Nam was a civil war between people in the south end of the region and people in the north end. People in the south thought their government and economy should be organized in one way (democracy and capitalism) and the people in the north thought it should be organized in a different way (communism). People on both sides thought the other side was morally corrupt, manipulated by outsiders, and bad for their country's future. From what I could tell they were all pretty screwed  up on both sides.  But it was their country, their war, and their problem to figure out. Unfortunately, because a neighboring countries, China ...

I saw the Facebook post of a friend who was inspired by the movie, American Sniper . My friend suggested that, “we should appreciate all who serve in the military as heroes.” I disagree. I think there are real heroes who serve in the military and they deserve our respect and appreciation. They are people who made courageous sacrifices or risked their lives in order to save others. Some of these heroes are officially recognized and acknowledged. I suspect there are many others who are not. However, I think that most of the people who serve in the military are not heroes. They are regular men and women who go to work and do their jobs. Their contributions to society are no more (or no less) valuable than the work of policemen and police women, healthcare workers who work in emergency departments, Peace Corps volunteers, or countless others in the USA. I also think there are people in the armed forces like people in all of other walks of life. Some are lazy. Some are cowards. S...

Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations. Alan Watts Alan Watts is reminding me that all things are as they are. You, me, everybody, everything… just is what it is. I have spent a large chuck of my life judging reality as if I expect It to be something else. In reality there is only one big picture and we are It. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. Winston Churchill or Abraham Lincoln (attribution is uncertain) I really like this quote because by this definition my father was an outstanding success.

I even tried writing poetry but it didn't help. It didn't change anything about the way I felt when she left me hanging waiting for another shoe to drop like the many other shoes that would not stop dropping causing waves of depression that transformed me  into a sobbing  loser. For a long time the sense of loss owned me  instead of the other way around. It was in control of my video  and in control of my sound. It owned me until eventually it became too repetitive,  too boring.  So finally the sense of loss just left without any closure,  without much warning. It was a lot like her.

I am locked in a small cell with an open door. I am afraid to look outside for fear of being confined even more. Suddenly I take a risk. I run outside and I jump in the air. I breathe in the sky and think if I'm caught I don’t even care. But I am caught - and locked this time inside a very small box. I hear the top close. I hear the sound of the locks. I cannot move. I cannot breathe. It feels like something Satanic. I am losing control. I am near the edge of an unthinkable claustrophobic panic. When suddenly I relax and fall into some inner space Where I feel safe, quiet. No fear. No fear at all in this inner place. Now I am grateful for the tormentor who is forcing me to see. The way out of the box is to stop fighting, let go, and just be inside of me. I realize now that I am awake but not moving because I want the dream to return. Instead I am getting up to go to the bathroom to forget what I just learned.

These days my most interesting work is with Disability Rights North Carolina. I am a volunteer member of an advisory group called the Protection and Advocacy for Individuals with Mental Illness (PAIMI) Advisory Council. This group is  comprised predominantly of people with mental illness or family members of people with mental illness. The group helps set direction for Disability Rights NC which is the unofficial conscience of our state's system of services for people with disabilities. I am very proud to be a volunteer with this group. The website is www.disabilityrightsnc.org.