Carol's Birthday

Tomorrow is Carol’s birthday. I do not know how significant her birthday is to her but it has become very significant to me. Her birthday has reminded me of how important she is. It has reminded me of why I love her.

I love her because she feels so deeply. I love her because of her sense of integrity and her insistence on doing the right thing. I love her elegant style. I love her relationships with her children and her family. I love her because of the mysterious ways she loves me.

Happy Birthday Carol!

The Face of God

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My life-long friend, Lloyd, has visited Hell this summer. He has gone through a season of physical pain, emotional distress, and drug-induced cognitive confusion. It is not over yet.

His ordeal was caused by a serious infection that required emergency surgery. The condition created multiple systemic and, potentially life-threatening complications. Lloyd spent six weeks in intense physical and emotional pain as he moved from intensive care to an extended hospital stay and then to skilled nursing care.

Recently, Lloyd was able to see visitors. I was fortunate to be one. I felt some of his pain as he talked about the physical and psychological trauma he had experienced. I listened as he talked about his deep appreciation of his wife, Kathy, who provided immense attention and advocacy for Lloyd as the two of them navigated their way through an imperfect healthcare system.

Lloyd also told me that his visit to Hell had a surprise. He said, “I saw the face of God.” I listened as Lloyd told me that the face of God was revealed to him in the faces of some of the caregivers he encountered who really cared. These were caregivers who over-performed their job descriptions.  Lloyd told me that these were people who, despite personal problems of their own, gave him all the support that they possibly could when he was the most vulnerable. These were human beings who made an authentic connection with Lloyd – a connection that transcended the roles of patient and caregiver. These were people who shared the face of God with Lloyd and I am glad he was able to see It.

Time is an Ally

Last month my father-in-law, Robert G. Parr, died at the age of ninety-five. His death was not a surprise but it was still an emotional moment for his family and for many of his scientific colleagues.

Bob Parr and I were close friends. This was (and still is) a peculiar fact. The two of us were at opposite ends of just about any scale that you can imagine. He was a brilliant, world-class theoretical chemist. I passed high school chemistry with a C-. Bob was careful and deliberate. He built his life and his career on rational, long range plans and consistent follow through. I have spent most of my life in a “Be Here Now” anti-planning model that has had numerous downside consequences and only a few invisible upsides. Bob was quiet, thoughtful, and serious. I am seldom any of those. The only thing Bob and I had in common was that we both loved the same woman, his daughter, Carol.

A few days after Bob’s death two of his younger colleagues asked me if I could explain to them how I became friends with Bob. These two young men deeply admired and respected Bob but I don’t think they experienced Bob as a close friend. I could not answer their question in any meaningful way but it did cause me to think about it.

Bob and I became friends with the help of an ally – time. We were in each other’s family life for a very long time. For much of that time we just tolerated each other. We co-existed through holidays, family vacations and many UNC basketball games. We did not judge each other. We just hung around each other long enough to allow opportunities to emerge. The opportunities eventually appeared as problems or periods of family crisis. During these periods of crisis Bob and I got to experience what it was like to help each other out. We tested the strength of our relationship.

We discovered what was behind the masks of our roles as father-in-law and son-in-law. We found that behind the masks we did have something significant in common that did not require words. We discovered that we could rely on each other as human beings - as friends.

During the final years of Bob’s life I felt his friendship through his subtle smile and occasional winks. My friendship with Bob Parr was well worth the wait.