The Face of God

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My life-long friend, Lloyd, has visited Hell this summer. He has gone through a season of physical pain, emotional distress, and drug-induced cognitive confusion. It is not over yet.

His ordeal was caused by a serious infection that required emergency surgery. The condition created multiple systemic and, potentially life-threatening complications. Lloyd spent six weeks in intense physical and emotional pain as he moved from intensive care to an extended hospital stay and then to skilled nursing care.

Recently, Lloyd was able to see visitors. I was fortunate to be one. I felt some of his pain as he talked about the physical and psychological trauma he had experienced. I listened as he talked about his deep appreciation of his wife, Kathy, who provided immense attention and advocacy for Lloyd as the two of them navigated their way through an imperfect healthcare system.

Lloyd also told me that his visit to Hell had a surprise. He said, “I saw the face of God.” I listened as Lloyd told me that the face of God was revealed to him in the faces of some of the caregivers he encountered who really cared. These were caregivers who over-performed their job descriptions.  Lloyd told me that these were people who, despite personal problems of their own, gave him all the support that they possibly could when he was the most vulnerable. These were human beings who made an authentic connection with Lloyd – a connection that transcended the roles of patient and caregiver. These were people who shared the face of God with Lloyd and I am glad he was able to see It.

Time is an Ally

Last month my father-in-law, Robert G. Parr, died at the age of ninety-five. His death was not a surprise but it was still an emotional moment for his family and for many of his scientific colleagues.

Bob Parr and I were close friends. This was (and still is) a peculiar fact. The two of us were at opposite ends of just about any scale that you can imagine. He was a brilliant, world-class theoretical chemist. I passed high school chemistry with a C-. Bob was careful and deliberate. He built his life and his career on rational, long range plans and consistent follow through. I have spent most of my life in a “Be Here Now” anti-planning model that has had numerous downside consequences and only a few invisible upsides. Bob was quiet, thoughtful, and serious. I am seldom any of those. The only thing Bob and I had in common was that we both loved the same woman, his daughter, Carol.

A few days after Bob’s death two of his younger colleagues asked me if I could explain to them how I became friends with Bob. These two young men deeply admired and respected Bob but I don’t think they experienced Bob as a close friend. I could not answer their question in any meaningful way but it did cause me to think about it.

Bob and I became friends with the help of an ally – time. We were in each other’s family life for a very long time. For much of that time we just tolerated each other. We co-existed through holidays, family vacations and many UNC basketball games. We did not judge each other. We just hung around each other long enough to allow opportunities to emerge. The opportunities eventually appeared as problems or periods of family crisis. During these periods of crisis Bob and I got to experience what it was like to help each other out. We tested the strength of our relationship.

We discovered what was behind the masks of our roles as father-in-law and son-in-law. We found that behind the masks we did have something significant in common that did not require words. We discovered that we could rely on each other as human beings - as friends.

During the final years of Bob’s life I felt his friendship through his subtle smile and occasional winks. My friendship with Bob Parr was well worth the wait.

 

Louisville Cops in Action

I recently visited Louisville and witnessed an episode that involved four local police officers. While eating a breakfast biscuit at MacDonald’s on Taylorsville Road, I noticed a very large African American man sleeping at a table in the corner. He looked like some of the homeless people I have met in my neighborhood. There were several other people eating near him but he was not creating a problem. 

Four local policemen entered the MacDonald’s and surrounded the sleeping customer. They were well armed and equipped with gear that looked intimidating to me. One of the policemen nudged the customer and said firmly, “MacDonald’s called us and said you have to leave.” The policeman told the man to stand up but the man refused to do so. He said it was cold outside and that he had no place to go. Most of the other customers seemed to sense something bad was about to happen, and they quickly left the area. 

The lead policeman who woke the man talked with him for about fifteen minutes while the other officers just stood by quietly. The man’s speech was incoherent, and he sounded like he might have a mental illness. The policemen never moved nor spoke in a threatening manner. They just continued to surround him. Eventually the policemen were able to gently escort the man out the door. I followed them out and heard the policeman still talking with the man on the sidewalk. The policeman was asking the man where he was going next. The policeman offered to take him to a hospital if he could describe a specific illness or injury, but he could not.

I needed to move on. Before I left I tapped one of the officers on the shoulder and said, “I wish I had videotaped what you guys just did and then shared it on the internet. You handled that the way policemen should. Thank you for your service.”

How Can I Help?

I have a friend whose daughter recently graduated from college. In the absence of a better idea the new graduate moved back home to live with her parents. Her parents are happy to be her safety net but they are also a little worried. They wonder how long she will be living with them. They wonder if they are "enabling" her to avoid getting started with the normal stages of adult development.

I think the young woman is worried, too. I think she has not built enough self confidence to admit to herself that she doesn't know what to do next. She wants a job but she is paralyzed by her fear of rejection or failure. She has not yet recognized the strength of her own character nor tested her own unique abilities. I doubt that she knows how many old people like me remember being her age and stuck in a similar situation.

I wish I had a strong enough relationship with this young woman to offer a suggestion. I would suggest that she temporarily give up on her job search. Instead I would suggest that she start each day by looking at herself in the mirror and asking, "How can I help?" She would then just need to listen to her own inner voice for an answer. If she doesn't hear anything right away then she could ask the same question to her parents, her neighbors, her friends. If nothing happens on the first day she could start over on the second day with the same question. Very soon she would find an interesting place to get started. 

She only needs to remain open to possibilities and nonjudgmental about herself. Ironically, these are the same concepts and practices I need to remember as I approach retirement. Life's transitions don't seem to stop or get any easier. 

  I wonder how I can help.