How Can I Help?

I have a friend whose daughter recently graduated from college. In the absence of a better idea the new graduate moved back home to live with her parents. Her parents are happy to be her safety net but they are also a little worried. They wonder how long she will be living with them. They wonder if they are "enabling" her to avoid getting started with the normal stages of adult development.

I think the young woman is worried, too. I think she has not built enough self confidence to admit to herself that she doesn't know what to do next. She wants a job but she is paralyzed by her fear of rejection or failure. She has not yet recognized the strength of her own character nor tested her own unique abilities. I doubt that she knows how many old people like me remember being her age and stuck in a similar situation.

I wish I had a strong enough relationship with this young woman to offer a suggestion. I would suggest that she temporarily give up on her job search. Instead I would suggest that she start each day by looking at herself in the mirror and asking, "How can I help?" She would then just need to listen to her own inner voice for an answer. If she doesn't hear anything right away then she could ask the same question to her parents, her neighbors, her friends. If nothing happens on the first day she could start over on the second day with the same question. Very soon she would find an interesting place to get started. 

She only needs to remain open to possibilities and nonjudgmental about herself. Ironically, these are the same concepts and practices I need to remember as I approach retirement. Life's transitions don't seem to stop or get any easier. 

  I wonder how I can help.

The Time for This Will Come

On July 20, 2012 a man with a serious mental illness entered a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. He set off tear gas grenades and then shot into the audience with multiple firearms. He killed 12 people and injured 70 others. At the time of this incident it was the largest number of casualties in a shooting in the United States. 

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Two nights later my son, Patrick, showed me an editorial cartoon he was reading online. The cartoon pictured a man with a disability standing on the sidewalk gazing up at a very long stairway that led up to a psychiatrist sitting in the clouds. On the sidewalk right next to the man was a gun store with an open door and a sign saying, “Come Right In.”

Patrick and I discussed the obvious irony in the cartoon for a few minutes. Neither of us could find words to express our sadness about the Aurora incident. Like most people across the country we had watched and listened to many stories on television about the victims of the shooting. As we talked about the cartoon I felt my eyes tearing up.

At that moment I felt an impulse to do something. I felt compelled to respond to the horrible incident in Aurora in some small way. So I went upstairs to my computer and sent the following email to an acquaintance of mine who worked as a fundraiser for the NRA.

Hello Ben. I have wondered lately if the NRA supports (or would be interested in supporting) improved access to mental health programs for high risk individuals. I think this represents a win/win opportunity for otherwise opposing interests. What do you think?

I did not expect a response to this email. But the act of writing and sending it helped me feel a little better. Taking a useless action felt slightly better than taking no action at all. At that moment I had no 
idea why or how the NRA could support improved access to mental health services. I just had a feeling that something as counter-intuitive as this might be a good idea.

I forgot about the email so I was surprised to receive a response from Ben about a week later. He emailed me and asked me to give him a call. We chatted for a few minutes about a mental health project that the two of us had worked on prior to his accepting a position as Vice President of Development for the NRA. Our former project involved teaching basic business planning and fundraising skills to people with disabilities who wanted to start their own “micro-enterprises.” Ben and I worked on this project intermittently for three years and helped several “teams” of people with mental illness launch their own very small businesses. Our phone conversation eventually got around to the subject of my email.

Ben said that it was possible, although not likely, that the NRA would support the idea of improved access to mental health treatment for people who might be at risk of violent behavior. I found his opinion encouraging so I kept my mouth shut and just listened. Ben explained that for years the NRA had supported the idea of restricting gun sales to people with mental illness. As an example, he described an appearance of Wayne LaPierre, the CEO of the NRA, on a TV talk show years several years ago. During the talk show Wayne (as Ben referred to him) expressed his support for restricting gun rights to people with mental illness. According to Ben, Wayne got really angry and said something like, “but the damned ACLU won’t allow it to happen.”

I eventually searched around on the internet and figured out that the “it” that the American Civil Liberties Union would not allow was the NRA’s idea to limit gun sales to people with mental illness by creating “an electronic universal mental health registry of people adjudicated to be incompetent.” I saw some obvious legal and ethical problems with that idea but it seemed like a good place to start a search for common ground between the NRA and advocates for improved mental health services.

Ben told me that he had a very good relationship with Woody Phillips, Chief Financial Officer, of the NRA. Woody also managed the NRA Foundation. Woody’s office was right next door to Wayne LaPierre’s. Ben said he thought Woody Phillips would be the most receptive person within the inner circle of executive leadership of the NRA. Ben said that he would present the idea to Woody. This was beginning to sound very interesting.

On August 1, 2012 Ben sent me the following email message and copied Woody Phillips.

Michael - Thanks for your note of July 23 asking about NRA's possible interest in improving access to mental health programs for high-risk individuals. I spoke today with Woody Phillips, the CFO for NRA. NRA has a strong interest in mental health issues as they relate to the protection of the Second Amendment. Woody would be happy to speak with you about NRA's interest and hear your thoughts.

Woody invited you to join us in a phone meeting to discuss these matters. My assistant will be in contact with everyone to set up a time and the details of the call. I will also have her set up a time for you and me to talk before the phone call with Woody.

Please let me know any thoughts or questions in the meantime. I look forward to talking again soon. thx ben

Ben

This was now sounding incredible. I was about to have a conversation with the CFO of the NRA about the organization’s possible support for improving mental health services. After a series of emails with Woody’s secretary a conference call was set for August 16, 2012. Ben and I agreed to have a conversation prior to our phone call with Woody to get clear on the “what” and “why” of our message.

In the days prior to the conference call I had some moments of doubt. This certainly seemed like an interesting opportunity but an opportunity for what? What was I really talking about? What did I want to see happen?

I decided that a realistic expectation for my conversation with Woody Phillips would be to get an agreement from the NRA to meet privately with representatives of national mental health advocacy groups. I thought if human beings from these divergent groups could meet together in the aftermath of Aurora they might spontaneously find some areas of agreement. I fantasized being the facilitator of the meeting and moderating the discussion.

Suddenly a different problem occurred to me. What if the mental health advocacy community was unwilling to participate in a discussion with the NRA? So I called Linda Rosenberg.

Linda Rosenberg is the President and CEO of the National Council for Behavioral Health. The National Council describes itself as “the unifying voice of America’s mental health and addiction treatment programs.” The organization has 2500 member agencies across the country. Among many other activities, the National Council hosts a program called Mental Health First Aid which trains teachers, church leaders, court counselors, and others who are not mental health professionals to recognize the signs and symptoms of mental illness and to make appropriate referrals for treatment. I had recently introduced Linda as a keynote speaker at a conference in North Carolina and I hoped she might remember my name.

I am not sure Linda remembered my name but she took my call. I said something like, “Linda, I have a very unusual idea.” I went on to make the following points:

• I had two contacts within the NRA.
• The NRA might be motivated to do something positive related to improved access to mental health services.
• The NRA and the National Council are both headquartered in Washington, DC and both are very effective at lobbying Congress. Imagine the possibilities if the two organizations could find even one policy position that they agreed on.

There was a long pause. I don’t remember exactly what Linda said but she did not sound convinced so I made another point.

• One of my contacts at the NRA is a fundraiser and the other is the administrator of the NRA Foundation. The National Council might be able to persuade the NRA Foundation to fund an expansion of the Mental Health First Aid program.

I do remember what Linda said then. “Michael, we will talk to anybody.”

So, game on.

On August 16, 2012 Ben and I had a preliminary phone conversation in which he gave me some background on Woody Phillips. Ben cautioned me to keep the conversation on “the right issue” which was mental illness, not guns. I told Ben that I did not have a gun and never experienced the need for one. I did not know anything about guns but could contribute some ideas about mental health issues.

The conference call with Woody was extremely friendly and interesting. I learned that Woody was from Henderson, NC, a town with which I was very familiar. Woody graduated from Wake Forest University. He was fluent in the language of college sports. He sounded like a pretty regular guy.

Once we got on topic of the call I talked a little about some of the barriers to treatment that many people with mental illness experience. Woody and I discussed the cultural stigma associated with mental illness and addictions. We talked about the lack of services in so many rural communities like the one he grew up in. I spoke briefly about how Mental Health First Aid was helping people in rural and urban communities across the country.

Eventually, Woody reminded me that the business of the NRA was protecting and promoting the Second Amendment and that mental health was not part of their mission. He asked me to explain my proposal. I told him that I was merely suggesting a private conversation among leaders of the NRA and the National Council of Behavioral Health. I told him that I did not know what specific outcomes would flow from the conversation. I pointed out that both organizations were highly effective in shaping public policy. If they could find a shared goal or a common policy position they might surprise people in both camps. Woody sounded interested.

He stated that “nothing is going to happen until after the election in November.” He said he would ask his secretary to remind him to revisit this topic after November 6, 2012 and to schedule another meeting with Ben and me.

Shortly after we ended the conference call I got the following email message from Ben.

8/16/2012 Appreciate your being on the phone with Woody. It was a very positive conversation. I will keep encouraging Woody to look for a date for a next meeting after the election. It would be great to consider other potential mental health partners that could work together to accomplish the shared goals we discussed. Will be in contact as we look to next meeting after 11/6.  Thx ben

   

I was encouraged, even excited. There was something exhilarating about this. Perhaps, it was exhilarating because it was an attempt to do the impossible.

The Presidential election came and went. I waited impatiently for a few days and then started sending short, friendly email reminders to Ben. I was probably annoying. Eventually, Ben responded.

Hi Michael. Thanks for this note. I have a reminder set on this for Monday, November 19. I will reach out to Woody at that time to try to get something moving forward on this. Thx ben.

I waited. Then all hell broke loose.

On December 14, 2012 a young man with a serious mental illness shot and killed 20 children and 6 adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. 

The entire country seemed to be in a state of shock. That afternoon I sent an email to Ben that ended with:

The news out of Connecticut is heartbreaking for everyone. I am sensitive to how busy you are and I do not want to push too hard on this. However, I cannot give up.

Ben sent the following response:

       You were the first person I thought of when I heard this                    news.I will contact Woody again on Monday.  Thx  ben

Things at the NRA seemed to be moving very quickly. I sent Ben another email with a list of suggestions that I thought they might consider regarding "the mental health issue." I thanked Ben for his courage in sticking with this. He responded with:
        
        I will. Today is probably one of the craziest days in history               there. Let me think about timing. I know it has to be right                 away. Thx. Ben 

On December 19, 2012 Ben copied me on the following email to Woody Phillips in which he summarized my suggestions.

Woody: Michael sent the following notes to me. I am sure there are plenty of discussions about NRA's response to this tragedy. Wayne, you and the gang know how to manage this far better than Michael or me. I believe Michael's thoughts were worthwhile as a possible forward stance that NRA could take. So for what they are worth...

1. More effective restrictions on gun procession for people known to be experiencing symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia

2. Protecting the Second Amendment rights of people with mental illness or histories of mental illness who are not a threat

3. Supporting an unprecedented national public health campaign to educate citizens about serious mental illnesses and appropriate individual and community responses

4. Promoting re-examination of state's involuntary commitment laws for people with serious mental illness

The question I keep hearing asked is - what if anything would have prevented this guy from doing what he did? None of the suggestions I have heard in the media would work or have done so. However, numbers 3 and 4 would certainly be steps forward that NRA could suggest and support. I liked them because they put the focus on mental illness and not guns.

All my best to you. Thx ben

Shortly after that email was sent Ben and I talked briefly on the phone. Ben had learned that someone else at the NRA was assigned to follow up on their response to the “mental health” issue. Ben said that the NRA was now considering the formation of their own Mental Health Commission to study the issues and make recommendations. He thought this might be announced soon at a press conference. Ben said he had recommended that I be included on this Commission.

On December 21 Ben copied me on the following email that he sent to the NRA staff person who was organizing the Commission.

Hi Millie.  Know it is crazy so I will be very brief. You should have an email forwarded to you from Woody about Michael Owen, including his resume.  Michael is someone that should be included on the NRA’s mental health commission. 

He brings great insights into the mental health community including how it really works (or doesn’t). He is a grassroots, community mental health person of very high intellect who is not afraid to challenge the status quo. In fact, my work with him was part of a state-wide effort in North Carolina to change the whole delivery system for mental health services in NC and Michael was the straw stirring the drink. He also can help Wayne and the NRA understand the mental health community and how to communicate with it and about it. Please note this. His original approach to me about organizing mental health leaders to work with the NRA to address the mental health/Second Amendment issues was more than six months ago, which I discussed with Woody this past summer. Michael, as he communicated in his note to Woody, is very committed to helping to solve the correct issue. If you need any further information on Michael, please contact me. 
You are in my prayers at this time of great stress to our Second Amendment right. Regards to Ralph.  Thx  ben  

Later that day Ben sent me a one-sentence email. He said, “I think we have been blown off.”

I did not immediately understand the significance of that sentence. However, it became clear when the NRA held a press conference that same day - Dec. 21, 2012. I was hoping they were going to announce the formation of their Mental Health Commission. Instead, Wayne LaPierre announced the formation of National School Safety Shield Program. This NRA-funded initiative was being created to put an armed security guard in every school in the United States. They had decided to go in a different direction.

Starting in January 2013 I have sent an email every few months to my contacts at the NRA. The most recent one was last week. The messages are always short, polite reminders about the potential value of building a relationship within the mental health advocacy community. Back on October 24, 2013 I got a reply that offered enough encouragement to keep trying. It said:

The time for this will come. Stay in touch.

You Gotta Believe

Many years ago I was a regular member of the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Durham. Now I am a very irregular member. Actually, I am not really an official member at all. But I do attend the Men’s Group there every other Thursday night and I identify with the values of many past and present Unitarians.

About twenty years ago the Fellowship had a practice of inviting individual members to deliver short statements during the Sunday morning services. The purpose of this practice was to give individuals an opportunity to tell the congregation what they truly believed. I always thought this was a great idea. Since Unitarians are not restricted by dogma every individual can believe whatever he or she chooses. So how could any of us know what our fellow travelers really believe about life, death, God, or no god, etc. if we didn’t ask and didn’t tell? 

In the early 90’s I was recruited to deliver my “credo” as they called it. I actually appreciated being asked because I thought the exercise might be interesting. Over the years I had sat through quite a few credo presentations of other people. In a way they were all interesting. Yet, I thought they usually represented missed opportunities. Most people just read biographical statements about growing up as a Catholic (or whatever), giving up their original religion and discovering a more comfortable experience as a Unitarian. After they spoke I still did not know what they really believed about anything important.

So when it was my turn I prepared a list of sentences that all started with the words “I believe.” I think I wrote about sixteen statements of belief back then. Sadly, I did not keep a copy. I do remember a few of the statements. The list below includes the statements I remember and a few updates for 2015.

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I believe that stating what I believe in public is harder than I expected.

I believe in the power of paradox. That means I believe that two seemingly opposite experiences of reality can co-exist at the same time. Sometimes these opposing experiences can even support each other. The Tao is a great representation of this idea. I believe my marriage is another.

I believe that everything vibrates. This is really more than a belief. I believe it is a fact. I wonder if the expansion and contraction of the Universe is a really big example.

I believe in the force that keeps my heart beating (vibrating) even though I am not paying attention to it. I believe that the same force keeps my brain waves oscillating and my thoughts flowing.  

I believe that I usually experience reality on only one narrow, egocentric channel. I have occasionally stumbled onto another channel that seems to have much more band width.

I believe we all have more in common than we realize - a lot more.

I believe there is something important - maybe even spiritual - about the ability to witness ourselves acting in the world.

I believe I frequently forget what I believe and I appreciate being reminded.

I believe that it is valuable to test out what I really believe within the context of a group. This also allows me to learn what others really believe. I suspect that is why so many of us keep coming back here every week.

I believe that when I die my mind, body, and everything else that I identify as Michael will be dead. I also believe that nothing in the universe can ever be completely destroyed, thus we are all (much like the IRS) just frequently changing forms.

I believe I frequently forget what I believe and I appreciate being reminded.

I believe we are fortunate if we have the curiosity and courage to ask and share with others the question, “What do I really believe?”

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Behar Now...but be able to look back

Please do not read this story. It is too long, too boring, and too detailed to be of interest. However, it describes a traumatic episode in my life that I want written, even if not read.
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August 2001
My attorney was saying something like, “I am pretty sure we can get use immunity for both of you. Maybe even blanket immunity but that’ll be a lot harder to get. For blanket immunity we will need approval from the Department of Justice in D.C. It may take a couple of days.” 

I did not understand the distinction between the two types of immunity deals that could be offered to witnesses who were willing to testify before a Grand Jury. My new $500-per-hour criminal lawyer was happy to explain. Use immunity meant that anything I said under oath that pertained to a specific area of inquiry could never be used against me in court. Blanket immunity meant that anything I said under oath regardless of the topic could not be used against me – unless I lied. In that case all bets would be off. 

Just being in the office of a criminal defense lawyer and discussing immunity agreements to avoid federal prosecution was…surreal.  My business partner and I were looking at each other trying to process this avalanche of new information while still vibrating in and out of denial. It seemed impossible to us that we were capable of doing anything significant enough to need immunity from prosecution for a felony. Yet, here we were paying a criminal defense attorney $500 per hour to scare the hell out of us.

My anxiety level was about to top out. It got higher with the answer to my next two questions. I asked, “What if we don’t get an immunity agreement? What is the worst case scenario?” The attorney opened a large book that listed multiple federal crimes and the mandatory sentencing guidelines. He flipped it around so that we could read it ourselves. He told us that we would probably be charged with obstruction of justice and/or conspiracy to defraud the government. Either way the mandatory sentence would be three to five years. With no prior convictions we would likely get the minimum mandatory sentence. He asked, "Do either of you have any prior convictions?”

I stared straight through the eye contact of the attorney into some distant space far away. My audio track was stuck at “three to five years.” I think the attorney must have sensed that he was getting out ahead of my anxiety level so he backed up. He tried to reassure me that he thought we were going to be okay. He hit the reset button by summarizing his understanding of our situation. My partner and I helped with detail and clarification as he went along. The summary went something like this.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Michael and his partner own and operate a small business called Triangle Training & Communication Associates (TT&CA). The business works under contract with state and local government agencies to produce training manuals, videos, conferences, workshops, and other training-related services. Most of the work of TT&CA is in the area of mental health services. The state Division of Mental Health in Raleigh occasionally allocates money to a local mental health agency to carry out specific projects. Sometimes the state Division of Mental Health asks the local mental health agency to contract with TT&CA to accomplish the state’s intention. This is a common business practice that is both legal and transparent.

One of the state officials with whom TT&CA has frequently worked is Dr. Lenore Behar. She was, until recently, the Director of Child Mental Health Services for the North Carolina Division of Mental Health Services. Dr. Behar is a psychologist with a national reputation and is recognized as a prominent expert on child mental health. Michael and his partner describe Dr. Behar as creative, intelligent, and capable of doing great things. They also consider her to be a narcissistic bully who relies on intimidation as a means of influencing the behavior of people with whom she works. Let’s just stipulate that she is a complex and difficult person.

In 1994 Dr. Behar was invited by the Governor to join a delegation of people from North Carolina to go on a state-sponsored trip to Israel. The trip was part of an economic and cultural exchange initiative. Michael’s business partner and her husband, a prominent member of the psychology faculty at UNC, were included in the group of dignitaries on the trip. At the conclusion of the trip the Governor announced the creation of a new organization, the North Carolina/Israel Partnership. An office of the Partnership was set up in Tel Aviv and a Director in Israel was hired. Dr. Behar was assigned a leadership role for the Partnership in North Carolina. Michael’s partner became an enthusiastic volunteer and supporter of the Partnership.

Early in 1995 Dr. Behar asked Michael’s partner to help her get some money to the North Carolina/Israel Partnership office in Tel Aviv. Dr. Behar explained that she had access to funds that were critical for the success of the program in Israel but she had no way of getting the money there. She suggested the idea of a “pass through” contract to TT&CA through a local mental health agency. Dr. Behar said she would arrange for an allocation to the local agency. TT&CA could bill the local mental health agency for the project work and then simply write a check to the Partnership in Tel Aviv. Michael’s partner asked Dr. Behar if this arrangement was approved by other officials in state government. Dr. Behar told Michael’s partner that this specific arrangement had been discussed and approved in a meeting with representatives from the Governor’s office. Michael’s partner agreed to the arrangement.

When Michael’s partner explained the arrangement to Michael he thought it was “crazy.” He wondered what would be the rationale for a local mental health agency to contract for work done in Israel. He also wondered why the Governor’s office would approve of this deal. But since this was his partner’s project he did not pay much attention to the details. He thought it would be another example of his partner’s “volunteer work” for the Partnership since there was no money to be earned except for a very small administrative fee. 

A few weeks later Michael noticed an invoice to a local mental health agency in the outgoing mail box. He read the invoice and was confused. The $10,000 invoice was for the completion of “Case Management Training Modules.” TT&CA had not done this work. He carried the invoice into his partner’s office and asked for an explanation. His partner said, “That is for the Israel project. That’s how Lenore told me to invoice it.” Michael said, “We can’t do that. Even if we disregard whether it’s right or wrong. It’s definitely illegal. We cannot bill for work we didn’t do.” Michael asked to see the contract that supported the invoice. He read the contract terms that Dr. Behar had sent the local mental health agency. The contract signed by Michael’s partner was for the creation of case management training modules. It made no mention of Israel.

Michael insisted that the invoice could not be sent. His partner then told Michael that she had already sent a prior invoice for a similar amount to the local mental health agency and that TT&CA had received payment. She also had written a check to the NC/Israel Partnership for the same amount minus a 3% administrative fee. After lengthy discussion Michael and his partner agreed that this matter was unlikely to ever be scrutinized. They also agreed that it was still a problem. Michael’s partner acknowledged that she had made a naïve mistake. 

After thinking about this overnight and talking with his wife Michael told his partner that he thought she should tell Dr. Behar that the original contract would have to be modified. Dr. Behar would have to notify the local mental health agency that there had been an error in the original scope of work. A new contract would have to be written that called for work actually done by TT&CA. 

Michael suggested to his partner that she rewrite an existing training manual that TT&CA had developed for a private client. The revised manual could then constitute a legitimate contract deliverable to the local mental health agency. Michael suggested that TT&CA could then take the proceeds from that legitimate work and send the money to the NC/Israel Partnership. Since Michael’s partner had created the problem in the first place she agreed that it was fair that she would do the “pro bono” work of rewriting the training manual for this new purpose. Michael assumed this would constitute a legal transaction and, thus would enable him to sleep at night. Neither assumption turned out to be accurate.

Michael’s partner informed Dr. Behar of the problem and the changes that would have to be made. Dr. Behar called Michael and expressed her displeasure. She told him that he was creating an unnecessary problem. She threatened that this could jeopardize future business opportunities with her. However, she reluctantly agreed to the revised deal. Soon thereafter she sent an awkward email to the local mental health agency claiming that someone on her staff had made an error in the original scope of work. Within a short time the contract was revised. 

Ultimately, TT&CA billed $42,000 to the local mental health agency under the contract. In return the local mental health agency received a training curriculum on behavior management skills for front line workers. TT&CA sent the funds (minus 3%) to the NC/Israel Partnership in Tel Aviv.

Fortunately, Michael’s business partner retained extremely detailed documentation of every aspect of these transactions.

________________________________________________________________________________________

At this point the attorney stopped and asked us if we ever questioned Dr. Behar about the source of the money for the contract. At the time of the NC/Israel project we did not inquire or even think about the source of funds. However, we had since come to realize the significance of the source. The money was taken from funds (about $23 million) that Dr. Behar had improperly billed the federal government for “preventing unnecessary foster care placements in North Carolina.”

Our attorney was aware of an active federal investigation of Dr. Behar. Local newspapers were reporting on ongoing developments in the investigation. In fact, our attorney was representing another client who was peripherally involved in the scandal. The original investigation focused on an alleged abuse of federal funds in a mental health project that Dr. Behar supervised at Fort Bragg several years earlier. Because the funds came through Fort Bragg the investigation was initiated by the Department of Defense. Since Dr. Behar had administered numerous other federally funded projects, the investigation had broadened to include other questionable transactions around the use of federal money. This investigation had been going on for several years. 

My partner and I had been interviewed twice by federal investigators regarding our work with Dr. Behar. These were friendly, voluntary interviews that dealt with multiple TT&CA projects. We answered all of the investigator’s questions honestly and we were happy to show him written documentation to support our answers. The interviews covered years of TT&CA contracts. There was not a hint of impropriety found in any of them. However, the investigators never inquired about the NC/Israel Partnership project and we never offered any information about it - until now.

In the spring of 2001 Dr. Behar was indicted on over 40 separate violations of federal law. Her attorney made several high profile public statements about his client's innocence and her intention to fight the charges. My partner and I thought this storm was going to pass by us without mention of our work with Dr. Behar. 

But in July we got a subpoena to report to the federal building in Raleigh to answer questions under oath regarding the Behar investigation. This prompted our new relationship with the $500 per hour attorney.

As our session with the attorney was wrapping up he offered a prediction about how this saga would unfold. He said,

"I will present a summary of your story to the US Attorney’s office and obtain a blanket immunity agreement. Once the agreement is signed you will be protected from any criminal liability in this matter.

You will meet with a team of investigators and the prosecuting attorney for questioning. They will recognize the high value of your testimony and you will be subpoenaed to appear before the Grand Jury in Wilmington.

You will testify truthfully before the Grand Jury. Your testimony will result in additional charges being brought against Dr. Behar.

Your legal fees will be, at least, $10,000.”

Our attorney’s predictions were all accurate.

___________________________

However, he did not predict how quickly Dr. Behar would accept a plea bargain following our Grand Jury testimony. She pleaded guilty to charges of obstruction of justice. She was sentenced to six months of house arrest, a fine of $250,000, restitution in the amount of $274,000, and two years of probation. She also was prohibited from being the principle investigator for future federal grants.

Our attorney also did not predict that my partner and I would permanently close TT&CA within a month of our testimony as a self-imposed consequence of this stressful ordeal. But that is what happened.

G.I. Issue

 

A few weeks ago I had a funny dream that I do not want to forget. I wish my father was alive because he would enjoy this one.

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A comedian is doing a standup act for a group of old World War II veterans. The comedian says, “So, I go to the clinic and the doctor tells me that I gotta get a G.I. procedure. I say, ‘No problem, Doc. I was in the army so I know all about G.I. procedure.' So I go to the G.I. Department. This nurse tells me that they’re gonna stick a long tube up my butt and I say, ‘The Hell you are! That ain’t no G.I. procedure. I mean it might be in France or someplace but it ain’t a G.I. procedure in America.”

All of the old guys in the audience get it and laugh.

I wake up laughing along with all of the other old guys.

What Did You Do in The War?

If Sullivan or Finnigan ever study American history and ask questions about the Viet Nam war I hope they read the following story.
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The United States lost the Viet Nam war. We deserved to lose. We were, for the most part, among the bad guys in that war. I never figured out who the good guys were.

The war in Viet Nam was a civil war between people in the south end of the region and people in the north end. People in the south thought their government and economy should be organized in one way (democracy and capitalism) and the people in the north thought it should be organized in a different way (communism). People on both sides thought the other side was morally corrupt, manipulated by outsiders, and bad for their country's future. From what I could tell they were all pretty screwed up on both sides. 

But it was their country, their war, and their problem to figure out. Unfortunately, because a neighboring countries, China and the Soviet Union gave weapons and support to people in the north end, the USA (on the other side of the damned planet) decided that we had to give weapons, money, and eventually thousands of our own soldiers to support people in the south end. Most historians recognize that our role in this was the dumbest foreign policy decision in American history. Over 58,000 Americans died in the Vietnam Nam war. I don't think  anybody knows how many Vietnamese people died.

In those days our government forced its citizens to join the army to fight our wars. The system was called involuntary conscription, a.k.a., the draft. I know it sounds crazy, but all 18-year-old guys had to register with a local draft board and then wait for a letter to arrive in the mail ordering us to report to the army. At that point we became, more or less, property of the government. For many young Americans that meant about six months of mandatory training and then a long trip to Viet Nam to fight strangers.

Many of our soldiers in Viet Nam did not have a clear sense of purpose other than to be one of the survivors. The other side did have a clear purpose. They knew why they were fighting. They wanted to kick our asses out of their country. That is why they won.

Many young Americans in those days, including me, thought the war was bogus. We refused to participate in it. Some people moved to Canada with the understanding that if they ever returned home they would be sent to prison. Some people just chose to go directly to prison. Others joined the National Guard which meant they were committed to the military part-time for six years but, at least, they would not go to Viet Nam.

I was absolutely certain that I was not going to participate in the Viet Nam war but I was unsure about how I was going to avoid it. I had a student deferment in college. So for those four years all I needed was an acceptable GPA to postpone the problem. 

As college graduation approached I considered a few other creative alternatives. I visited a liberal theological seminary in Chicago because seminary students got an extended deferment. Seminary was an interesting idea but it would have required me to adopt religious beliefs that were out of the question. I also applied for status as a conscientious objector even though I was told that my local draft board had not granted C.O. status to anybody during the Viet Nam war era. In case you don’t already know, conscientious objectors were people who were against all wars. They were pacifists who refused to fight under any circumstance. In retrospect, I did not deserve C.O. status but I sure respected their point of view.

During the first week of May, 1971 I got a notice from my draft board ordering me to report in thirty days for a physical examination. The physical exam was a prerequisite for the draft. As I read that notice I made a decision. I could not rely on others to solve this problem. I was going to have to solve this myself. I decided that I would lose enough weight within the next thirty days to flunk the physical examination. 

There was a draft counseling service in the city that gave free advice on ways to avoid military service. I met with them the same day that I got the notice for the physical. They explained that losing weight was a risky strategy because sometimes the examiners would pass skinny people regardless of their weight. You had to be significantly under their minimum weight requirements to be safe. They told me that for my height I would need to weigh less than 107 pounds. At that moment I weighed 130.

Over the next thirty day period I just ate a lot less and exercised a lot more. During the first week I limited myself to one small meal each day. I ate mostly salad. It was difficult for the the first week. After that my appetite disappeared. Each week I focused on eating less and less. I monitored my weight loss very closely. I also ran each day around a track at Bellarmine College wearing heavy clothes that I thought would make me sweat more. During the last week a doctor at the draft counseling service gave me a prescription for diuretics. The medicine caused me to pee excess fluid from my body and helped me lose the final few pounds to get under the limit. When I reported for the physical I had trouble standing up but I weighed 106 pounds. Bingo.  

The good news was I had failed the physical. The bad news was that they told me that I would be called in for another one in six months. So six months later I had to repeat the entire damned process. The second time I reported for the physical weighing 104 pounds. They told me that I would be called back again in a year. I am not sure I could have done it again. Fortunately, they did not call me back. By then the USA was giving up on the war in Viet Nam. I was glad that I had nothing to do with it.

This experience occurred about 44 years ago. I am still thinking about it because it was so important to me. It was the first time in my life when I took charge of my future and refused to go along with a bad idea. Opportunities to do this sort of thing are rare but I hope you will look for them while you are young. The value to you might echo for a lifetime.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I saw the Facebook post of a friend who was inspired by the movie, American Sniper. My friend suggested that, “we should appreciate all who serve in the military as heroes.” I disagree.

I think there are real heroes who serve in the military and they deserve our respect and appreciation. They are people who made courageous sacrifices or risked their lives in order to save others. Some of these heroes are officially recognized and acknowledged. I suspect there are many others who are not.

However, I think that most of the people who serve in the military are not heroes. They are regular men and women who go to work and do their jobs. Their contributions to society are no more (or no less) valuable than the work of policemen and police women, healthcare workers who work in emergency departments, Peace Corps volunteers, or countless others in the USA.

I also think there are people in the armed forces like people in all of other walks of life. Some are lazy. Some are cowards. Some are brutal and some are criminals. All of them are not heroes and to suggest that they are diminishes the status of those members of the armed forces who actually are heroes.

Two Quotes Captured My Attention - this week

Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.
Alan Watts

Alan Watts is reminding me that all things are as they are. You, me, everybody, everything… just is what it is. I have spent a large chuck of my life judging reality as if I expect It to be something else. In reality there is only one big picture and we are It.

Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill or Abraham Lincoln (attribution is uncertain)

I really like this quote because by this definition my father was an outstanding success.

Losing a Loss

I even tried writing poetry

but it didn't help.

It didn't change anything about the way I felt

when she left me

hanging

waiting

for another shoe to drop

like the many other shoes that would not stop

dropping

causing waves of depression that transformed me 

into a sobbing 

loser.

For a long time the sense of loss owned me 

instead of the other way around.

It was in control of my video 

and in control of my sound.

It owned me until eventually it became too repetitive, 

too boring. 

So finally the sense of loss just left without any closure, 

without much warning.

It was a lot like her.

Out of the Box

I am locked in a small cell with an open door.
I am afraid to look outside for fear of being confined even more.
Suddenly I take a risk. I run outside and I jump in the air.
I breathe in the sky and think if I'm caught I don’t even care.

But I am caught - and locked this time inside a very small box.
I hear the top close. I hear the sound of the locks.
I cannot move. I cannot breathe. It feels like something Satanic.
I am losing control. I am near the edge of an unthinkable claustrophobic panic.

When suddenly I relax
and fall into some inner space
Where I feel safe, quiet. No fear. No fear at all in this inner place.
Now I am grateful for the tormentor who is forcing me to see.
The way out of the box is to stop fighting, let go, and just be inside of me.

I realize now that I am awake but not moving because I want the dream to return.
Instead I am getting up to go to the bathroom to forget what I just learned.

PAIMI Advisory Council

These days my most interesting work is with Disability Rights North Carolina. I am a volunteer member of an advisory group called the Protection and Advocacy for Individuals with Mental Illness (PAIMI) Advisory Council. This group is  comprised predominantly of people with mental illness or family members of people with mental illness. The group helps set direction for Disability Rights NC which is the unofficial conscience of our state's system of services for people with disabilities. I am very proud to be a volunteer with this group. The website is www.disabilityrightsnc.org.

Tornado Dreams

Recently I have been having recurring tornado dreams,

very clear, full of fear dreams, not quite sure what they mean dreams.
They are similar - each with an ominous tornado dragging chaos as it gets near.
I watch the tornadoes approach from a window in my basement in total awe-stricken fear.

The tornado arrives and hits hard like a battering ram.
It hits so hard that I wake up breathing heavily and wondering where in the hell I am.
I lie there wondering what is this dream really trying to tell me?
Is this about a tornado or something even worse that I won't let myself see?

Over time the tornado dream has become pretty easy to figure out.
It's not the tornado. It's the fear. The fear is what the dream is about.
The fear of the unknown, the subconscious fear of what's going to happen next.
It's the fear of the future that I face in a fully conscious context.

__________________________________________________________________

PS: I have not had a tornado dream since I wrote this poem. I think recognizing the fear helped to neutralize it. This poem was published in the November, 2012 issue of the Blotter Magazine.

Telepathic Snow Monkeys

Some time ago a good friend, Hugh, asked me if I would participate with him in a parapsychology experiment at the Rhine Research Center in Durham. Hugh explained that the Rhine Research Center was a reputable institution that studied consciousness and parapsychology. He told me that he had been recruited to be a subject in an experiment to determine if pairs of creative people who knew each other could communicate telepathically with greater success than pairs of random people.

Hugh was (and remains) the most rational, pragmatic, and honest person that I ever met. Therefore, I was not surprised when he candidly told me that he thought the proposed experiment was bullshit. He thought the entire idea of mental telepathy was unproven nonsense. His motivation to participate in the study, he said, was to help disprove the ridiculous hypothesis. The content of the study and Hugh’s skepticism were enough to motivate me to participate.

The study required an initial meeting at the Rhine Research Center in which Hugh and I were interviewed and then asked to complete detailed questionnaires. The questionnaires asked about our personality characteristics and personal preferences. There were lots of questions about how Hugh and I knew each other. In the meeting a researcher explained that in our subsequent session we would each be isolated in separate rooms and given an assignment related to telepathically communicating a specific message. After we left the meeting we stood in the parking lot and talked for a few minutes. I was impressed with Hugh’s commitment to follow the expectations of the research design despite his reservations about the overall merit of the study.

A few nights later Hugh and I returned for the experiment. He was placed in a comfortable chair in a sound proof sensory deprivation room. I remained in the room long enough to watch as his eyes were tightly covered to restrict any light. His ears were covered with head phones. A small microphone was attached to his shirt. In front of Hugh was a TV monitor. The researcher explained to Hugh that he would be guided into a state of deep relaxation by a voice in the head phones. Once in a deep relaxed state he would be asked to receive communication from me. He was told to verbally “free associate” his thoughts into the microphone so that I could hear through my headset what he was experiencing and know if I was making progress.

The researcher then escorted me to a room on another floor of the building. My assignment was to watch a looped video of a group of cute Japanese snow monkeys as they gently moved around in a semi-frozen body of water. In front of me were pencils, markers, crayons, and paper. I was told to watch the same 2-minute scene over and over while attempting to communicate what I was watching to Hugh. I could use any strategies that occurred to me to communicate including using the materials in front of me to draw what I was watching. Headphones were placed over my ears so that I could hear Hugh’s comments about what he was experiencing. If I stumbled on a communication strategy that produced images of snow monkeys in Hugh’s running commentary then I would know I was doing something right.

The researcher left the room and I watched the video many times. I drew pictures of snow monkeys. I strained to concentrate on the idea of snooow monkeeey. I tried to imagine my brain waves synchronizing with Hugh’s brain waves. I tried every mental gimmick that I could think of to communicate the snow monkey theme to Hugh. I heard nothing in Hugh’s comments to suggest I was making any headway. This part of the experiment went on for about 45 minutes.

My part was then complete. Hugh, however, had to be tested. He was asked to watch several short, unrelated videos. He was told that one of the videos was the one I had been watching and he was to attempt to identify it. I could hear Hugh in my headset as he commented on each of the five videos he was watching. He watched all five videos and then rank ordered them based on his level of certainty. Snow Monkeys came in fourth. Hugh had accomplished his mission. He had disproven the hypothesis of the study.

Hugh and I knew that there were many other pairs of people who would be subjects in the same experiment and that all the results would be combined and statistically analyzed before conclusions would be drawn. However, for the two of us there was plenty of evidence to debunk the idea of mental telepathy. I did not express it to Hugh at the time but I did experience a little ego-driven disappointment that we could not do it. As we left the Rhine Center that night we agreed that the experiment had been a fun and interesting experience.

Later that night the experience became more interesting. I got an email from Hugh. He told me that a day or so prior to the experiment he had stopped by the Durham public library and picked up a few books and movies. When he got home from the experiment he grabbed one of the movies to watch while he prepared dinner. It was a National Geographic program. As he watched he saw a presentation on Japanese snow monkeys. It was the identical scene that was used in the experiment.

I was stunned for a moment. What were the chances of Hugh unconsciously picking up that video a few days prior to the experiment? I wondered if there might be aspects of telepathic communication that were not even considered in the experiment. When I talked to Hugh he brought me back to the reality most of us have come to accept. He considered the Telepathic Snow Monkeys to be just one of life's many strange coincidences.

Killing for Money or Politics?

Would you regret shooting a man you never met
right in the eye
then watching him die
then wrapping him in a sheet
and throwing him in the ocean
without even a sense of mixed emotion
calling it an operation done
with surgical precision
as if you were some kind of physician trained to heal
instead of calling it an assassination by a covert Navy Seal

Do you ever question if you were definitely the good guy
and that your prey absolutely deserved to die?
No judge, no jury, no clear understanding of exactly what he did
but one side was certain that he was a demon even though others were screamin'
that he was a hero who had been redeemin'
the lives of many others killed by the "great Satan"
while the governments on all sides kept placatin'
people with bullshit explanations
of who was right and who deserved extermination

Do you wonder if the whole story is a a matter of perspective?
Cause we used to give him money to carry out our directive
When he killed Soviets with our money and our supplies
I guess we ignored it or maybe concealed it with lies
Do you wonder if he was hidin' out for such a long time
just waitin' for some kind of sign
that we had changed our minds again and put him back on the payroll
cause he knew our intelligence and our money doesn't have a soul
Man, I wish that one of us somewhere on some side had the insight
to know that killing people for money or politics just ain't right.

Why I Don't Write Poetry

I don’t write poetry because I don’t know how
to connect with anything that really matters right now.

I don’t write poetry because my brain tightens up, even as I’m trying to get it loose
and in that state of mind whatever I write sounds far too obtuse.

I don’t write poetry because it requires a depth of feeling
that can hurt and leave me staring blankly up at the ceiling.

I don’t write poetry because I prefer to repress
feelings that real poets struggle to express.

I don’t write poetry because it requires me to admit
that much of my self image is really full of shit

I don’t write it, read it, see it, or feel it.
I put all my effort in trying to conceal it.

Still, sometimes when my feeling state safely submerges,
a poem from some weird place spontaneously emerges.

I do not willingly write poetry because it’s just too risky
I wouldn’t be writing this one if it wasn’t for the whiskey.

New Year Greeting

My mother will be 87 years old on Ground Hog's Day. Being her age and living independently isn't easy, but she maintains a great attitude. At least, she does when talking with me.

She sent the following email message to all of her friends on New Year's Eve. Her message is a partial answer to the question, "What's mental health?" I am glad I am on her email list.

TO ALL, WISHES FOR A SAFE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. BE THANKFUL FOR YOUR BLESSINGS - LOOK FOR ALL THE POSITIVES AND NEGLECT THE NEGATIVES.

To George Owen

A tribute to the late
George E. Owen

George used to say, "I may not be pretty, but, at least, I’m unique." About that he was absolutely right. He was not very pretty and he certainly was unique. I think it was his uniqueness that enabled George to leave us a legacy that I don’t think he was completely aware of, but a legacy that deserves to be mentioned today.

First, George left us a model or an example of a man who refused to give up on his hopes and dreams. Of course, the rest of us thought George’s dreams were unrealistic. But George did not care what the rest of us thought because they were his hopes and his dreams. He steadfastly held on to them until the very end, leaving us an example of a determined guy who just refused to quit trying to make his dreams a reality.

Ironically, the second legacy George left us was his heart. I say ‘ironic’ because as George’s bad heart (his physical heart) got weaker and weaker and finally stopped, his good heart (his emotional heart) got stronger and stronger. His good heart enabled George to tell those of us who were close to him that he loved us. It helped George recognize, appreciate, and sometimes express his gratitude for the support he got on a daily basis from so many people, many of whom are here today. Of course, the primary source of this support came from my mother whose devotion to George will someday be part of her legacy. But today George has left us his good heart.

Finally, George left us his sense of humor. He had a very active sense of humor and could tell the same jokes over and over and enjoy them every time. Now I realize we are in a church, but I bet we can all close our eyes and remember a joke that George told us. Who knows? We all may be thinking of the same one.

In closing, I will just say good bye, George and thanks for what you left us. We all love you, too.

This is my best recollection of a eulogy I delivered at George's funeral 14 years ago.